miss-behaved.net

And I hate Mountain Dew, because Pepsi Co hates me. I have successfully drank every single one of the new flavors of the “Dewmocracy” — God damn, I hate saying that — and not one of them were good. You know what? I liked Game Fuel; I love Code Red; and LiveWire. (And being a gamer — by default — you have to drink Mountain Dew, which I’ve had no complaints about in the past.) Even Pitch Black, if any of you know what that is. I enjoy Mountain Dew products.

Not anymore, dear reader.

I have concluded that, not only did these “Dew Drinker” designers market ipecac to the general public, Pepsi and friends want you to feel like you’re involved. You know how you can get involved? By giving real money. To real corporations. Almost as crazy as that sounds, that’s exactly what you’re doing.

Hey, check it out! We get to pick the new flavor of Mountain Dew! In our Dewmocracy! If you look at the SuperNova with bloodshot eyes, it kinda looks red. And the Voltage is blue! So if you vote for SuperNova, you’re a Republicac. And if you vote for Voltage, you’re a Dewmocrat!

Enough of that — I’m pretty much going to describe the way that Revolution, Voltage, and SuperNova taste for you. The best way I can, without puking. (I should get paid for this.)

Revolution: I like wild berries, especially drinks flavored like wild berries. And thankfully, Revolution is the only one out of the three that isn’t “charged” or “blasted” with another completely different flavor. Wild berries. It must be good, right? Hell no. It’s less sour than Voltage and SuperNova, and it tastes like an alcoholic beverage, which is very depressing, since you’re not drinking an alcoholic beverage — and you should be, if you’re drinking this by choice.

Voltage: This is disgusting. On the outside of the bottle it claims to have a “raspberry citrus” flavor. All I taste are blue-raspberry balls with caramelized sugar, topped off with some good ol’ fashion  loss of dignity. It smells like it is going to burn my nose hairs off.

SuperNova: SuperNova tastes like a hot chick you’re making out with who had way too many pomegranate martinis and you’re totally scoring tonight — or so you thought. She just puked in your mouth, buddy. It says there’s “strawberry melon” in there, but I don’t taste strawberry, and I sure as hell don’t taste melon. If you ask me, strawberries and melons go well together in drinks just like bleach and Drain-o go well together in drinks. I know why they call this SuperNova — instead of a “stellar explosion,” you get an explosion of brain cells, wondering why you actually spent money to drink this crap.

You hear me, Mountain Dew? I fucking hate you.